Interview With A Stretching Portrait
by Werecat Boy
Summary: A daring reporter conducts a comical interview with the stretching portraits in the gallery.


This is a little short story I came up with based on the early radio advertisements for Disneyland's Haunted Mansion, in which a reporter explored the mansion and interviewed some of the different ghosts in the house. Just for fun I decided to write a short little interview between the reporter and the stretching portrait characters. Please let me know what you think of it. I may write a couple more of these in the future.

* * *

Willy Weinrib waited patiently in the stretching portrait gallery for his sound crew to set up. He was extremely nervous to be assigned to report within the Haunted Mansion and actually have to talk with the ghosts themselves. He didn't even know why he ever accepted this gig to interview the ghosts in honor of Disneyland opening its brand new Haunted Mansion attraction. But hey, at least it was a steady-paying job.

"You ready, Mr. Weinrib?" the camera operator asked.

"Yeah, I guess I'm ready," he replied with a slight shakiness in his voice. He glanced up at the large portraits that just stared back at him with their ghostly eyes.

"Alright," the camera man said. "You're on in five, four, three, two, one..."

"Hi, ghost fans! This is your daring reporter inside the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland. And here today, we'll be talking with six individuals who have been "hanging around" here for a long time. Introducing, Widow Abigale Patecleaver, diplomat Alexander Nitrokoff, lovelytightrope walker Lily Equipoes, and businessmen Williams Dowsand, Clarence Midalf, and Emmet Bogg."

As soon as their names were mentioned, the six ghosts all emerged from their respective portraits and sat down atop the high ledge in the stretching room, with Midalf and Bogg taking seats atop the gargoyles.They all just stared down at Weinrib.

"So you six, tell us, what's it like living in the Haunted Mansion?"

"Oh, it's a fine time...if you don't mind just hanging around," Abigale replied with sarcasm in her voice.

"Oh, Abigale be quiet," Lily spat back. "She's only grumpy because she didn't get one thin cent from her husband's will."

"Yes, he was nothing but no a good deadbeat..."

"Yes, yes, we heard you tell this story fifty times already," Nitrokoff retorted. "Everyday when nobody is in here it's always "oh, boo-ho. I didn't get any money. Poor little me." I wish my portrait was in some other part of the mansion so I wouldn't have to listen to you."

"Oh, is that so!" Mary shouted. "You say any more comments like that and you're going to get a taste of the back of my axe blade..."

"Bah! What are you gonna do? I'm already dead! Ha ha!"

"Alright, alright, people please," Weinrib pleaded with the ghosts. "Can we just stick to the questions and not turn this into an argument, please?"

"Fine," Mary bitterly said. "As if anyone cares about my story..."

"We don't!" Clarence shouted. "Now hesh up!"

Mary gave a bitter glare back to Midalf.

"Now then," Willy continued. "I understand that all of you met pretty violent ends. Of all of you, which one do you think had the most gruesome death?"

"Well, not to sound haughty or anything," Abigale immediately chimed in. "But I think mine was the most horrid."

"Your's was!" William remarked in disbelief. "All you did was snap your neck after falling off a tombstone; sinking slowly under the ground to your death isn't too pleasant!"

"Oh please!" Alexander spoke up. "Try getting blown to bits! That sure isn't a pretty sight for the cleaning lady to take care of afterwards."

Lily just sighed at the others going into another constant argument again. "At least you all went pretty quickly. I was ripped limb from limb and became crocodile chow at the bottom of a river."

Weinrib decided to move onto his next question so all of them wouldn't go into a heated discussion again. "Um...moving on. Tell me, what do you think of mortals finally getting the chance to tour the mansion."

"Oh, I think it will be great!" Abigale spoke up. "Finally, some people may actually stop by here in the gallery again and pay us some attention."

"Yeah, and it will be great to scare the living daylights out of them again!" Bogg replied with a devilish grin on his face.

"I'm just glad that guests will finally be getting to visit the mansion again," Lily replied. "Ever since Mr. Disney bought this mansion and transported it to Disneyland, I was just thrilled at the whole idea."

"True. It's been such a long time since we've seen a living to spook here in the mansion," Alexander commented.

"How long ago was it?" Willy asked.

"Fifty years," Alexander replied.

Abigale laughed. "Oh, you were always the absentminded one, Alexander. It was only twenty years."

"Nooo," Nitrokoff replied slowly. "It was fifty years."

"You're both wrong!" argued Dowsand. "It was thirty-five years."

"No, it was twenty!" Abigale shot back.

"No, fifty!"

"It was thirty-five!"

"Twenty!"

Lily let out an exasperated sigh, "Does it really matter?"

"Fifty!"

"Twenty!"

"Thirty-five!"

Willy was starting to get really annoyed now. "WILL YOU ALL BE QUIET!" he shouted. The ghosts however decided to ignore him and continue their argument. Weinrib looked over pleadingly at Lily (who seemed to be the only sane one) and asked, "Do they always get like this?"

"Almost everyday, pretty much," Lily replied.

"Listen you old bat! When I say it's fifty, it's been fifty!" Alexander screamed at Abigale.

"Don't you talk to me in that tone of voice! That's what led George to be where he is today!" Abigale shouted at him. Reaching her ghostly hand into the portrait, she whipped out the axe that was planted in the bust of her husband's head. Letting out a cry, she firmly planted the hatchet in Nitrokoff's ghostly head.

"That's it! Put up your dukes!"Alexander shouted, raising his fists.

"Oh ho!" Clarence shouted. "Trying to hit a defenseless woman, huh? I expected that kind of behavior from a politician!"

"That's it. Them's fighting words!" Nitrokoff then turned around and gave a swift punch to Midalf's ectosplasmic jaw.

Soon, Dowsand and Bogg joined in on the argument, and all four men began kicking, hitting, beating, and all other forms of violence upon each other. Hearing all the commotion, the ghost of the crocodile in Lily's portrait emerged from its canvas housing and made its way down to the four fighting ghosts.

"Brudus!" Lily shouted at the large reptile. "Naughty croc! Get back in the portrait now!" The crocodile ignored its Mistress and made its way into the makeshift fighting arena, where it bit down on Dowsand's transparent leg.

"Ahhh! Get him off me!" Dowsand tried to shake the hungry croc off his leg, but to no avail.

Meanwhile, in the midst of all this commotion, Abigale stood to the side cheering for the various men. "That's it, Bogg! Kick him in the feet!"

Lily just shook her head, and put her face in her palm. "Why do I associate with these people?"

Weinrib looked at his camera crew and decided it would be best to wrap it up. "So, there you have it folks. Just a sample of some of the colorful ghostly characters you'll meet when the Haunted Mansion opens on August 9th! Next week on our program..."

"Who cares about next week!" Nitrokoff shouted. "How much do I get paid for this interview?"

"Shut up, Alex! Shut up!" Midalf yelled.

"...we'll be interviewing, Master Gracey," Willy interrupted. "The ghost host and master of the mansion himself." "So, this is Willy Weinrib from the Haunted Mansion saying..."

"Get your foot out of my face!" Bogg shouted at Nitrokoff.

"Good night to you from Disneyland!"

* * *

Weinrib is my little tribute to Lennie Weinrib who played the daring reporter in the Haunted Mansion radio commercials. The names and personalities I came up for the stretching portrait characters are from my previous Gallery of the Macabre story. 


End file.
